The Cold Truth

[Orophin]

That's what she does. Lol.

[Teяa253]

a lot of my characters have unpredictable actions...

I mean, in my latest chapter, Tenoko said something that hit Zakura in an unusual manner. not on purpose of course, but fact remains, she was affected pretty badly by it.

oh, and turns out Tenoko was in fact a gangster.

I can't wait till they find Katara and have her reveal her backstory...
~Azula~

[Orophin]

I'm gonna have to catch up with your fics... they've escaped me again, due to my grandparent's visit. (But these are the good kind of grandparents, so it's okay. $$)

[Teяa253]

well they're still coming at the same fast rate they have been... gonna release chapter 60 this evening if things go as I hope they will.

hmm... $$$... that reminds me that my birthday is coming up...

might have to use Katara's birthday as a plot device.
~Azula~

[Orophin]

Lol.

[grangran]

I took a decent gander at this thing... it's not half bad. the decision in the poll that I was looking for wasn't really there, but that's beside the point.

the first thing that I noticed is that the names all seemed very out of place Avatar-wise. I'm no expert, but generally names in the Avatar world are usually Asian/Asian-sounding (which, to an extent, hurts, because then you get Japanese wannabes and all sorts of weird crap.). Yours seem more like something I would find in Lord of the Rings or the likes. Elvish, I guess.

I didn't quite get it though. did Hume suddenly start liking him? I mean, maybe it was just me and/or my skimming skills, but it seemed to just have popped out of there. one moment she hates him, the next moment she doesn't? I'm just a little confused on the matter.

Then again, there are other stories by you. If one or more of them explain this, let me know where I can find it (or them).

And I assume that since V'icternus magically killed Karo, that he would have blood all over him. wouldn't that give rise to some suspicion? I mean, how often do you see someone pass by who is covered in blood? How did he get past everyone and onto that ship? It just makes me wonder a little.

The other thing was that, although he got hurt a lot, maybe I'm just not entirely aware of just how much time was skipped, but it always seems that no matter how beaten and bloody and bruised he gets, he becomes like a cartoon character. One moment he's bloody and bruised, and the next he seems to be perfectly fine (until the next batch of beating comes in). Explanation? is this Gary Sue the invincible or something? I'm just a little curious.

I also notice you use the "..." a lot. Just a side thing.

Other than that criticisms though, I enjoyed it, as it was for the most part well-written. There were just a few kinks in my opinion. All inn all, I would give it about a 69.55/100. Generally anything over a 50 on my rating scale is something I will be willing to read more of, so I guess that's that.

Peace.

[Orophin]

Mar 17, 2009 7:58:28 GMT 1 grangran said:

I took a decent gander at this thing... it's not half bad. the decision in the poll that I was looking for wasn't really there, but that's beside the point.

the first thing that I noticed is that the names all seemed very out of place Avatar-wise. I'm no expert, but generally names in the Avatar world are usually Asian/Asian-sounding (which, to an extent, hurts, because then you get Japanese wannabes and all sorts of weird crap.). Yours seem more like something I would find in Lord of the Rings or the likes. Elvish, I guess.

I didn't quite get it though. did Hume suddenly start liking him? I mean, maybe it was just me and/or my skimming skills, but it seemed to just have popped out of there. one moment she hates him, the next moment she doesn't? I'm just a little confused on the matter.

Then again, there are other stories by you. If one or more of them explain this, let me know where I can find it (or them).

And I assume that since V'icternus magically killed Karo, that he would have blood all over him. wouldn't that give rise to some suspicion? I mean, how often do you see someone pass by who is covered in blood? How did he get past everyone and onto that ship? It just makes me wonder a little.

The other thing was that, although he got hurt a lot, maybe I'm just not entirely aware of just how much time was skipped, but it always seems that no matter how beaten and bloody and bruised he gets, he becomes like a cartoon character. One moment he's bloody and bruised, and the next he seems to be perfectly fine (until the next batch of beating comes in). Explanation? is this Gary Sue the invincible or something? I'm just a little curious.

I also notice you use the "..." a lot. Just a side thing.

Other than that criticisms though, I enjoyed it, as it was for the most part well-written. There were just a few kinks in my opinion. All inn all, I would give it about a 69.55/100. Generally anything over a 50 on my rating scale is something I will be willing to read more of, so I guess that's that.

Peace.

I noticed a lot of those things, too.

After re-reading it not too long ago, that is.

But yeah, I either over-explain or skip stuff...

(And yes, the "..." thing is just something I've picked up...
See?)

As for the names, well, I thought Karo did sound Japanese , and Hume, I think, is.

I made the name V'icternus up ages ago, for another character, in another story-in-planning, so that wasn't really intended to sound Asian-ish...

As for the not dying thing, well, I'm not ready to end the series yet, so he can't die...
But I do like my characters getting beat up, emotionally and physically. Helps keep 'em humble.
Of course, when he's bloody and bruised, it's rarely a crippling injury. (Don't worry, the wounds he's gotten play a major role in the beggining of the next chapter. I should know, it's the bit I've finished...)

[grangran]

I didn't see very much "over-explanation". if anything, things were under-explained.

(Karo is a brand of syrup here in the Americas, by the way. )

I never said he has to die, I was just saying that it seems a bit repetitive. He gets hurt, the next day he's fine, so he gets hurt again. it doesn't seem very good development-wise.

But since he doesn't ever get any serious injuries (and surely he's only around 16 or 17 judging from the tone he uses; besides, everyone's characters nowadays are angsty teens who have tragic pasts and lost (or got separated from) their parents and/or siblings in some tragic manner that they can remember clearly. Yep, I read Harry Potter too. ), it leaves very little character development. Whilst I know that "change" doesn't happen overnight, it just seems to be something that gets shrugged off the next day and then forgotten. Maybe your next chapter will explain that (wow, this thing was written 7 months ago?) though.

All in all though, he just doesn't seem very deep to me. Life-changing events might tamper seriously with emotions of course, but it usually also gives the protagonist some sort of objective--something they try to strive for. Maybe it's just me, but I failed to notice anything of that calibur.

[Orophin]

(Damn, syrup... didn't even bother looking that up when I was checking to see if my names were original enough...)

Oh, and if we're talking about Harry Potter, don't forget about the facial scarring.

And yes, I know it's taken a long time to get my next one out... it's long, and stuff keeps happening to stop me from moving forward.

And yeah, this is not a story like other stories. There's no objective, and no goal. The whole "I want revenge" thing is out the window, as he kinda killed the people already. Now he's just alone, confused, and still hasn't really faced any of his feelings about what's happened... (Just wait till they catch up to him. Psychotic breakdown, much?)

[grangran]

(the hardest part in my opinion whenmaking a name is making it sound Asian enough, and making sure you don't stumble onto some overused Japanese name. Anime freaks are a shame on the world.)

of course.
if you want me to to make the list of similarities, I can do that though. haha.

Usually where I'm from, if a story is "inactive" for over 2 months, I generally consider it over though. so I guess I'll just work with what I see here. Sorry, I guess it's just an old "lack of faith" principle I have, so unfortunately, that instinct keeps me from expecting anything more from this.

For some reason though, he seems like the type who would just shrug all of that off and move on--like he's too busy dwelling on how much his life sucks to worry about other feelings. I mean, I think there was a 2-year jump somewhere, (but I'm not sure I've read that chapter.) and still nothing, so...

[Orophin]

Well, that's the thing. He can't shrug it off unless it gets on his shoulders first... that's the problem with running away from your emotions, you don't move past them. It's caused (and will cause) a lot of problems for him. Especially after my presently unfinished chapter that I expect to be comeplted... next year, sometime.

[grangran]

sorry, but even then, I'll believe that when I see it

[Orophin]

Well, I'll let you in on a little secret. It's totally ready to be released within the week if I want it to be, but I have several reasons for prolonging it's final release.

[grangran]

well again, I'll believe that when(if) I see it.

[Orophin]

...You wont. I just told you I had reasons for not releasing it. How could you see anything if nothing is there to be seen?